Speaking of online dating and “ass vaginas”

This last time I was in Curaçao (at the end of this summer), I decided to sign up for the dating app, Tinder. I thought it would be an easy way to meet cute boys on the island (not necessarily for my island fling fantasy – see my related post on island flings and diving instructors from a couple of days ago). I actually did meet a couple of cute, interesting, smart guys through Tinder and have kept up contact with them since returning home. So, when I got back to Raleigh, NC, I figured I would see how meeting men on Tinder would fare here in the Triangle.
OH. MY. GOD. 90% of the matches I get end up deteriorating rapidly into the dude saying things like: “So do you want to know how big my dick is? It’s huge” or “Hey, send me a picture of those tits” or they message me pictures of their naked abs and underwear crotch shots. I’ve received several likes from married couples who want me to join them in a down and dirty threesome. Endless likes from dudes who list their university experience as “The School of Hard Knocks.”
After asking one university professor of economics that I matched with where he last traveled overseas, he asked me if I was down to use a strap-on dildo to, and I quote, “pound his ass vagina.
On Tinder there are endless pictures of guys leaning on sports cars or bathroom selfies of them lifting up their shirts to show their abs. Here’s the thing guys, most women do not give a damn about your abs or a muscular body or your fucking car. If you can make us laugh and you are thoughtful and attentive, you are 90% of the way there. Sure, there are bodies I am purely physically attracted to, but they don’t mean a damn thing if those sacks of skin are attached to a dull, self-centered, unfocused brain.
Guys, I will give you a secret. Be funny, demonstrate ambition, kindness and intellect, be happy in your dad bod, shower us with attention while you do what you say you are going to do and don’t tell me about your cock (I’m old school – if I am interested, I will find out the hard way – pun intended). Love dogs. And that’s it. You got us.
So, enough with the Tindering in Raleigh. I deleted the app yesterday. I reserve that experience for my overseas adventures. Adios for now, fellas.
P.S. You can never make me laugh hard enough that I will be okay to pound your ass vagina.

Editor’s Note: One of my girlfriends posted here some brilliant insight as to why guys post these bizarre body shots: “Love this! Yes, bodies mean nothing when there is no intelligence, humor, or chemistry. I can only fathom the reason guys send pics of themselves is because they are visual when it comes to us so they think we are the same way. We are not.”

Exactly. Boys are all about the body shot. We are not.

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